


road trip - finnpoe

by gaymrorange



Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Character Death, M/M, sorry abt this one folks, wont tell u who tho
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-16
Updated: 2018-11-16
Packaged: 2019-08-24 06:33:26
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,767
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16634801
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gaymrorange/pseuds/gaymrorange
Summary: finn's a eighteen year old college art student, and poe's a nineteen year old college dropout. nonetheless, their winter vacations are equally as bad.





	road trip - finnpoe

it was winter.

it was winter, and poe could legitimately not care less about what day it was, he could hardly keep track of the year.

alas, it was nineteen sixty four, and poe could remember because his parking ticket had the date on the top.

"december twenty fourth," it read; a constant reminder of poe's loneliness on such a holiday.

in poe's opinion, christmas was a sham anyways. an excuse for companies to swindle civilians with deals on cheap products that weren't even deals. if people really wanted to celebrate christmas, they could go sleep in a small, dirty manger in the middle of modern day pakistan.

the closest thing poe had to family, a friend, even a mere acquaintance, was his neighbor, finn.

the attractive boy who poe has talked to a total of zero times.

that's not true. poe once nodded at him when they exchanged glances walking into their apartments at the same time.

oh, what a day.

poe wished he knew his neighbor better. he also wished he could pin him to a wall and fuck him so hard he wouldn't be able to walk straight for days.

unfortunately, it was nineteen sixty four, and people all over the country were being persecuted for being homosexual, for being like poe.

poe moved to los angeles because he knew the city was a liberal goldmine. a perfect place to lie low as a pot-smoking homosexual. he even flew a small rainbow colored flag in his bedroom.

but after lasting four months in the center of the action, poe had yet to find a friend or, for that matter, a solid-paying job.

right now he worked as an usher at the san antonio restaurant downtown, which provided poe with a three week winter break with pay, which was pretty damn sweet.

but, alas, this was going to be a long, boring winter vacation for poe dameron.

\------

it was winter.

it was a beautiful eighty two degrees on december twenty fourth, nineteen sixty four in southern california.

it was christmas eve, and eighteen year old college student finn could not be more depressed.

he went to college in los angeles because he wanted to be an artist. he wanted to fall in love in the city of stars and sell his paintings for millions.

instead, he throws out his third notice bill for the third time on the third day of his shitty, shitty winter vacation.

it wasn't because he was lonely, broke, depressed, or tired.

just kidding. it was because he was lonely, broke, depressed, and tired. he just liked pretending it wasn't.

there was one thing that made staying in los angeles during his winter break not so bad. his neighbor, poe.

i mean, god damn.

finn admired his neighbor, the muscled boy that lived next door. he sung a lot, mostly during the evening hours, his mellow voice lulling finn to sleep like a lullaby.

but finn wasn't gay.

no, finn grew up straight like every human on earth, being homosexual was a sin after all, everyone knew that. his parents seemed to be the experts on sin, knowing every sin of the planet, and knowing that finn was a frequent flier of the confession booth at his old church in dallas, texas.

he moved to southern california because he wanted to go to college to be an artist, but he also moved to southern california because he wanted to be himself. he wanted to breathe the independent air.

but according to his mother, los angeles was a "faggot city", and if finn ever "caught the homo", he wouldn't be allowed back home.

so he steered clear of his neighbor, poe, quite a lot.

but, it was christmas, and it seemed his conveniently attractive neighbor was staying in los angeles for the holiday as well as finn.

this was going to be one hell of a boring winter vacation for finn.

\-------

it wasn't often that finn stayed up in the late hours listening to his attractive neighbor argue on the phone with someone named shara, but he found himself in this situation anyways.

"no, shara," finn heard him say through the thin walls. "you don't understand i'm in california right now. i left you a million messages telling you, i'm in los angeles!"

a long pause. finn wondered if poe or whoever shara was had hung up.

"ma, i'm not having this conversation again with you. it's four in the morning here, i'm not going to stay up any longer to tell you what being homosexual is."

finn froze. guilt crept down his spine as his head spun. poe is a homosexual.

news like this didn't come to finn often, but surprisingly, he wasn't angry; he felt guilty for eavesdropping on such a personal conversation.

he wondered if his anger towards homosexuals was really just his mother's, his mother's rage funneled into finn.

nonetheless, finn decided he was listening in for too long. he stood up out of his bed and walked into the kitchen. finn grabbed the small iron pot from his cupboard and dropped it on his tiled floor, a large crash interrupting poe's conversation.

"ma, i gotta go."

a slam of the phone meant that poe had hung up, and finn could finally go to bed without constantly eavesdropping on his neighbor.

he sank into his uncomfortable twin bed and stared at the ceiling. he was drifting into unconsciousness when there was a firm knock at his door. his heart beat against his chest as he stood out of his bed and walked to the door. through the peephole, a flustered poe dameron stood outside his plastic door.

finn panicked as he unhinged the lock and opened the door. the man stood, tapping his foot on the ground. he was dressed in a tight fitting tank top and grey sweatpants that made finn sweat.

"can i help you?" he asked, stuttering.

"i need to know if you heard anything from my room." he said, on edge.

"i don't know-"

"don't play with me, kid." he said, stepping foreward. "i was on the phone with someone and you were awake, and these are pretty thin walls, dude, so i'd like to know if you heard anything through them. i'm not angry now but i will be in a second if you don't answer me."

finn stared at him for a while before confessing. "you were on the phone with your mother." he said. poe nodded. "and... and you said something about ho-homosexuality."

poe's facial expression didn't change, almost like he froze in time. he opened his mouth to speak, but finn cut him off. "i'm not going to say anything. it's cool with me." he said, contradicting everything he's ever believed in from the day he was born. it felt great.

poe nodded. "what's your name?"

"finn."

"you're a good man, finn."

\------

the kid had heard him.

the kid that lived on the other side of the thin plaster walls had heard him on the phone with his ma and now the kid, finn, knew he was a homosexual. finn knew that poe was gay.

but poe had the kid's word, apparently. finn was "okay with that stuff", according to their conversation last night (morning?). poe prayed to god that he was telling the truth.

he stared down into his cereal. bland cornflakes sat in front of him, a constant reminder of his bland, boring life.

poe would have sulked about his own loneliness for the entire day, but a short and nervous knock at the door interrupted him.

he stood up and shuffled to the door, not awake enough to look through the peephole. he jerked the door open to find the same nervous boy from last night; only this time, he was wearing a tight grey t shirt that was covered in paint, and red booty shorts.

poe's forehead beaded with sweat.

finn's face had splotches of red, green, and white paint on it, small dots lining his strong jawline.

"do you have any house plants?" he said.

poe furrowed his brows. "what?"

"houseplants," he said again, only this time he subconsciously moved his right hand along to the word. "i need a potted plant in order to finish the project i'm working on."

poe snapped out of it. "oh, yea, sure," he said, disappearing back into his apartment for a quick second. he held out the small pot of succulents, and finn room it against his chest. "there you go."

"thanks a bunch," he said, turning to leave. he turned back to say, "have a good day."

poe smiled as he turned away, but the smile dropped as soon as he left.

"i wasn't planning on it." he muttered, shutting the door.

\------

finn stared at the mural sized canvas in front of him. his art teacher, professor organa, told him that the only way he was going to get noticed for his art was if he impacted society in a way it had never seen.

so, finn sat in front of his extremely large canvas with every color of the rainbow in his lap, staring at the small uncolored flag he'd sketched onto the canvas. the entire piece was a collaged mess, so he decided no one would notice if there was a small pride flag in the corner.

but finn wasn't gay.

he started with the vibrant red, using his fine tipped brush to swipe a small line across the top of the flag. the canvas was covered in reds, greens, and blues; splashes of yellow and purple blended the three colors together. thick black lines outlined every image; creating a pop-like scene.

he adored his decade's art style and how it's conveyed; especially street art.

california was littered with it. expressionistic tags and scenes danced on the faceless concrete of los angeles and san francisco, but finn never had the courage to go out onto the streets and actually do it.

tonight, that was going to change.

\--------

finn slipped on his black baseball cap nervously and checked to clock.

3:03 am.

he had listened for hours, making sure poe was asleep, before he packed the three cans of spray paint into the small black backpack and slipped on his blue vans.

he opened his thin apartment door and started out onto the parking lot. a door creaked open behind him, and he whipped his head around and found poe dameron standing in his doorway, black trash bag in hand.

they both froze, making steady eye contact.

"it's not what it looks like," finn said quietly. he pulled a can of red spray paint out of his back and held it up. "see?"

poe smiled. "hmp. good luck."

"thanks."

\------------------

he swiped one last brown stripe on the once blank concrete wall and stood back.

there was a black hand and a white one; connecting to make a heart on the middle of the wall with a rainbow background. inside the heart were the gender signs, one blue and one rainbow color. in between them was the transgender sign in black. under the image was the word "EQUALITY" stenciled in black.

finn smiled, stuffing everything into his back and sprinting down the street back to his apartment. the adrenaline fueled his confidence, and finn decided it was the best feeling in the world.

\-----

poe always had a thing for new people he met.

he could always figure out their "deal" from the moment he met them, but finn was a damn puzzle that poe had no idea how to do.

poe couldn't even tell if the kid was gay, but he had a pretty good idea. his spray paint art was all over the papers and the television, but no one knew it was finn.

except poe. poe knew it was finn, and poe had a great deal of questions for the kid. he wanted to know if he was a homosexual, but it's not like he was gonna straight up ask the kid, so poe didn't have any other plan.

poe also wanted to ask if he was single, but that was a no go.

for now.

poe sat on the concrete outside his apartment, smoking a cigarette and watching the cars pass by. he flicked the cigarette butt onto the sidewalk and opened his package of viceroys for another one. he put it in between his lips and lit it, taking a slow drag and sighing, watching the white smoke dissolve into the air.

his neighbor's door opened, revealing an extremely disheveled and exhausted finn. he looked like he had either been smoking pot or crying, as his eyes were a bright red. the wetness of his cheeks suggested the latter.

he had a bag of trash in his hand, heaving it off the ground and walking to the large blue trash cans at the end of the complex's parking lot. he walked back, nodded at poe, and started back in his apartment.

"hey." poe said at the last minute. finn turned around, making steady eye contact.

"yea?" he answered, voice coarse. it sounded like he had been screaming.

"you good?"

finn shrugged. "eh."

poe frowned. he held up his viceroys and shook the box. "wanna smoke?" he asked. his neighbor shrugged again before sitting down next to poe and taking a cig from the box. finn held it in between his fingers as poe lit it.

"thanks." he said as he breathed in the toxic fumes and breathing them back out.

they sat in mildly comfortable silence before poe said, "you okay?"

finn snorted, tapping the excess ash off his cigarette. "i don't think i ever am." he said, taking another drag. "i go to college to be an artist. it's hard being a black man in a school that was all-white two years ago." he paused, lifting his shirt to reveal a large bruise on his right side (although poe noticed his toned abdomen first). "i got beaten this morning after my physics class."

poe looked at him, shocked, brows furrowed. "what the fuck?" he said rhetorically. he took a last drag out of his cigarette and flicked it onto the curb. "that's fucked. who beat you?"

finn shrugged. "some white boy that sits two rows in front of me, calls me offensive shit all the time. i ignore it, but it's hard to ignore assault."

poe nodded. "yea, of course." he frowned. "that's shitty."

"yea," finn said, watching the cars wiz past their apartment complex. "if he knew i did that spray paint art on main street, then i'd really be fucked."

"can i ask you something?" poe said, pocketing his viceroys.

"yea."

"are you a homosexual?" he said quietly so only the two of them could hear him.

finn stared at the sidewalk in front of him. he waited a long time, thinking.

"yes."

\------

poe stared at the kid sitting next to him on the hard concrete. "really?" he asked.

finn concentrated on the ground in front of him. "yes." he stated, looking back at poe. "yea, i am. i've been homophobic all my life, but i realized it was all my mother's anger as soon as i moved." he furrowed his eyebrows. "my mother..." he trailed off.

he stood abruptly, poe looking up at him. "i'm sorry, i have to go." he said, running into the parking lot and getting into his small red car.

poe watched him pull out, anxious. "hmm."

\-----------------

you know, it wasn't often that poe found his mind occupied on someone, especially romantically.

and yet, here he is, sitting on his uncomfortable bed, watching his kitchen sink slowly drip, and he could not stop thinking about finn. his attractive, gay neighbor who poe was falling for hard.

it was all his fault; he should have never let himself fall for someone so out-of-his-league attractive, but he couldn't help himself. the boy was an activist, and he was strong; a homosexual black man living in nineteen sixty four, now that was something unheard of.

poe wanted to get closer to finn the moment he laid eyes on him. he had a thing for figuring people out early on, but this kid was a puzzle that poe just couldn't find the missing pieces for. he was a mystery, and a hot one at that.

poe had seduced people before, sure, any girl or boy he wanted to get closer to was an easy target due to his charismatic and intimidating figure and personality. but when it came to finn, his mouth was as dry as the desert they lived in, and nothing seemed to work.

granted, they've had a total of three conversations, if you count finn holding up a can of spray paint and shaking it, metal rattling inside. but poe couldn't think of a situation where anything worked out in his favor.

sure, he wanted to get in finn's pants, badly, but he also wanted to know what was going on in his beautiful head; like he said, he was a puzzle.

a puzzle that poe itched to figure out.

\------

his mother never loved him.

his mother never loved him.

his mother never loved him.

that's all he needed to tell himself. his mother never loved him, because if she did, she wouldn't have hit him.

she wouldn't have slapped him and spit in his face.

and yet, finn assumed and accepted the fact that he deserve it.

she said it herself, faggots don't deserve to be loved or to know comfort, and she made herself clear.

finn pulled into the parking lot, face swollen and bruised. he stepped out of his car and slammed the door shut, not giving a shot that it was three am and that people were trying to sleep.

as soon as his apartment door shut, he slid down the wall onto the floor and broke down.

he broke down because the only female figure in his life legally disowned him as her son. he broke down because he wouldn't have any money to support himself in college next year, he broke down because he officially had no family left.

he also broke down because this was his wakeup call that he would never be able to be himself. he would never live his life comfortably, he would never live his life as a black homosexual, no matter where he lived, and that terrified him.

he stood up, wiping the tears off his swollen face, and changing into an oversized sweater and thigh shorts.

as he closed the door to his bathroom, a knock at his door startled him. he crept to the peephole and looked through to see poe dameron looking nervous of the first time finn has seen.

he opened the door slowly and finn's beaten face scared poe. he stared at him for a moment before saying anything.

"jesus christ, kid, are you okay?" he asked, stepping forward.

finn sighed, close to tears yet again. "not really." he said, stepping a few feet back. "come in." he offered.

not taking his eyes off his neighbor, he walked in and finn shut the door behind him.

"who beat you?" poe asked, leaning against the wall.

finn hesitated. "me. i did it to myself."

poe stared at him in disbelief. "finn. you can't possibly think that i believe you." he paused, and finn dropped his gaze. "who really did this to you?"

"my mother." he said plainly. "someone told her about my homosexuality."

poe frowned. "who?"

"i think it was my sister," finn said, looking back at him. "but i have no idea how she found out."

"that's shitty, kid, that's really shitty." he sighed.

finn huffed a sarcastic laugh. "you know, it's funny, that's the most human contact i've had in months." he said, wiping stray tears away from under his swollen eyes.

poe stared at finn, and enveloped him in a short hug. finn stood, face pressed to poe's chest, and hugged back. poe broke away, smirking slightly. "there," he said, putting his hands on finn's shoulders. "that's more positive human contact."

"thanks, poe."

"anytime kid."

\------

there was something wrong, poe could feel it.

this wasn't a regular morning.

the man he slept next to every night and the man he woke up to every morning wasn't next to him this time.

chanting and raving drummed into his head, beating at his temples. lights, red and blue, strobed into his room through the window on his door, accompanied by the screeches of sirens.

poe rose from his bed in a haste, racing to his front door. he swung it open and exposed himself to the gruesome scene in front of him.

crowds of people stood on his lawn. they held signs reading "GOD HATES FAGS" and "DEATH TO ALL GAYS". the entire crowd stopped chanting and screaming to turn to poe. the group parted to show a man standing in the middle of the crowd, face beaten.

finn.

the man poe fell asleep next to every night, and the man poe woke up to every morning.

poe screamed, running towards him, attempting to get close to him, but the crowd would not let him.

instead, they grabbed him by the arms and forced poe to watch them finish what they started.

one punch.

one kick.

a final blow to his stomach, and-

poe lurched forward, covered in cold sweat. he looked around him frantically, and found himself back in his apartment, breathing heavily.

a nightmare.

he wiped the sweat off his forehead. his white sheets pooled around his toned waist as he slowly caught his breath, calming down in his dimly lit apartment.

he often had nightmares, but they were usually the same moment over and over again, more times then not his parents arguing when he was a child.

but never like this.

he wasn't even in a relationship with finn, but his subconscious was obviously afraid of loosing him, and he couldn't argue the fact that his conscious was too. poe documented that this as one of the things that makes him mentally unhealthy; early attachment.

early attachment, as well as self harm (his knuckles were raw and bright red from punching countertops and walls), anxiety, synesthesia, and insomnia; all diagnosed.

sure, he had medications, but they made poe feel lethargic and more depressed, so he threw them out ages ago.

this was all besides the fact that poe had a very real and very serious problem to deal with.

he had a mad crush on finn, and he was going to do something about it.

\-------

finn enjoyed early mornings.

he never intended to wake up as early as 5:04 AM, sometimes his internal clock just worked that way.

he was always grateful when his internal clock did wake him up at 5:04 AM because he got to admire the hazy los angeles morning sun on his dark skin, and the sounds of the city waking up just as he did.

this time, he sat against the wall on his small twin bed, soft sheets pooled around him. he watched shadows cross his apartment, birds flying past the small window on his wall. he was about to lay back down to fall back asleep, but a short and quiet knock stopped him.

he got up, grey t shirt dragging on the blankets over him. his white and red boxers hung off his hips as he walked across his apartment to the door.

he pulled the light door open to find a nervous poe dameron standing on the sidewalk outside his apartment. finn stared at his neighbor with confusion.

"what's wrong?" he asked, seeing the worry on poe's face.

"can i come in?" he asked, anxious.

"sure." finn said. poe awkwardly walked into finn's apartment, admiring the soft lighting as he stood in the kitchen. finn closed the door behind him, looking back at him with worry. "are you alright?"

poe hesitated before answering. "yea, i'm alright, i just needed... need to be around someone before i do something i regret."

finn walked across the room and and sat down on the small couch. "like what?" he asked as poe sat down next to him.

poe sighed, heart heavy. he raised his hands out of his pockets and showed finn his raw and scabbed knuckles. out of instinct, finn took poe's hand into his own, running his long fingers over poe's bruised ones.

"it's just something i do," poe continued as finn slowly massaged his hand. "and i sometimes think... i think i deserve to feel pain."

finn looked up from poems hand with worry and confusion. "no you don't." finn said. poe huffed a sarcastic laugh. "i'm serious!" finn exclaimed, laughing. "i'm very serious, poe, you don't deserve that." he squeezed poe's hand. "i don't know you very well but i know you don't deserve to feel pain."

poe sighed, smiling. "i'd like to get to know you better." he said, now holding finn's hand. he rubbed over finn's thumb with his.

finn sunk into the couch. "me too, poe."

"me too."

\------

"hey, by the way," finn called out from the stove to poe, who sat in the living room. finn had insisted that he cooked poe breakfast before he left, and poe couldn't refuse to a face like finn's.

"yea?"

"what was that nightmare that you had about?" finn asked curiously as he set down the small baby blue frying pan.

poe froze, coming up with a dumb excuse. "what does a gay man in nineteen sixty four have a nightmare about?" he asked, attempting to play off his utter anxiety.

finn raised an eyebrow from across the apartment as he cracked an egg into the frying pan.

obviously, poe's efforts didn't work.

he was, however, getting a very good view of finn from behind him, so poe wasn't complaining about much.

"besides," poe said, getting up from the small blue-leathered couch to sit at the kitchen table. "what do you dream about, college boy?" he asked, smirking. poe was confident he would have finn swooning in minutes.

finn turned around to set poe's plate on the table in front of him, and leaned close to poe, his breath hot on poe's ear.

"maybe you should spend the night and find out, dameron." he cooed, stepping away and back to the stove. poe was sweating, his witty one-liners and dirty jokes suddenly wiped away from his memory like dirt off a car. he was blushing hard, his face as red as the plate in front of him. finn looked back at the man and laughed, sitting down across from him as poe attempted to hide his face.

"poe, i'm just kidding." he said, taking a large bite into the scrambled eggs on his plate. "unless..." he added, winking.

poe stared straight ahead, not believing what he was hearing. "jesus christ." he said jokingly, and finn laughed, throwing his head back in utmost amusement. poe smiled, enjoying the reaction.

he decided that making finn laugh was a lot easier and more rewarding that trying to get in his pants.

that didn't mean he wasn't going to stop trying.

\-------

finn was never a flirt.

he never wanted to flirt with any girls at his school in dallas, especially because he never even liked any girls at his old school. and he had never, never flirted with any boy, any man for that matter.

but for some reason, he could do it with poe like he was just speaking to him. it came naturally with poe (something inside him told his it was because being homosexual was natural, but that was the part of him he often put on pause), and he had no idea how. of course, poe intimidated him. he was an older man who was taller and in finn's opinion, more attractive. but that didn't stop finn from whispering inappropriate things, coarse and low on poe's neck. finn loved seeing the redness in his face rise, his breath uneven, stuttering all over the place.

he didn't know if he even wanted to get in poe's pants; he was a virgin. he was scared to get in bed with anyone, the inevitable embarrassment was too large of a risk for finn. anxiety was what held him back in most situations.

finn wondered if it was healthy for him to be thinking this introspectively about his neighbor in bed at four am. he glanced at his clock in the dim light. four twenty two am.

he turned over in an effort to get more comfortable. as he slowly slipped into unconsciousness, his mind filled with poe.

finn decided that it was in fact unhealthy.

\------

poe wasn't one to get attached. following in the footsteps of his father, he never got attached to anyone or anything, in fear of loosing it.

so why was poe waiting for finn's apartment door to open just to get a chance to ask him what his plans were? he didn't know.

suddenly, the hinges to finn's creaky plastic door screeched, and poe opened his door seconds later, to make it seem like he wasn't pathetically waiting for finn.

finn caught poe's eye as he threw his trash out in the green bin outside on the pavement.

"hey poe!" he said cheerfully.

poe smiled. "hey, kid. what're you doing today?" he asked, attempting to be nonchalant, but failing miserably.

finn raised an eyebrow. "wouldn't you like to know?" he flirted, smiling. he shook his head as poe started to blush uncontrollably. "i'm just kidding," he said, clarifying. "i'm working on an art piece. you're welcome to watch me paint if you'd like."

poe smiled. "i'd like that."

 

-

"no, poe, it's like this," finn laughed, swiping his brush across the pastels on the canvas. he bore gold, thin framed circle glasses, a pair that he apparently wore whenever he was painting because he "wouldn't be able to see the small details" if he didn't. "sometimes it's better to paint what you think feel, and not what you see." he said, peeling the reference picture off the giant easel. he held out a thicker brush to poe. "take this. let me show you."

poe took the paintbrush wearily. finn wrapped his hand around poe's and guided him across the canvas. "longer strokes make for larger coverage and more movement, but sometimes what you're looking for is texture, which is what shorter brush strokes are perfect for." finn said, smiling as he drove poe's hand into the corner of the canvas.

"i'll never be good at art, finn. i'm not an artistic man." poe said, doubting his skills would be this superior the moment finn let go of his hand. he sweat as finn wrapped his long fingers around poe's smaller, more calloused hand.

finn shook his head. "that's a very naïve way to think about art, poe." he said, smiling as he focused on a small corner of the canvas with poe's hand. "art isn't about a skill you are born with, it's about practicing."

finn let go of poe's almost shaky hand, and watched as poe attempted to follow his previous directions with the shorter stokes.

"there it is!" he cheered, throwing his hands up into the air. he beamed at poe as he handed finn the paintbrush back.

"well," poe said, blushing. "i'll never be as good as you, kid."

finn smiled as he pushed his glasses up, smearing white paint on his cheek. he didn't notice, but it drove poe insane.

impulse took over poe and he slowly wiped the white paint off finn's under eye, cupping his cheek. finn leaned into the touch instantly, and put his hand gently over poe's.

"thanks." finn whispered. poe stared at the boy with not only lust, but the admiration of a thousand lovers combined into one clumsy mess of a man. he gazed at finn's lips in the absolute silence, slowly leaning forward until he was inches from the other boy's face.

"ive never kissed anyone before in my entire life." finn said, heart rate increasing as the intimidation of kissing poe rose in his chest.

"there's a first for everything." poe said. moving even closer.

finn pulled away. "not here." he stated. poe looked at him with confusion and slight pain as finn stood. "i want to kiss you poe, but i want to take you somewhere." he explained quietly, sticking out his hand to poe.

poe smiled. "anything for you, kid."

\---------------  
finn lead poe by his calloused hand out of the apartment and into his small red buggy. it was dark outside; they had been painting in that apartment for longer than it felt. finn backed out of the parking lot and sped into the road. soft music hummed out of the radio as lampposts cast yellow light and dark shadows into his car. poe hummed along to the soft music and placed his hand on finn's thigh. finn appreciated the truly soft, domestic moment and let it sink into his raw and beaten soul. he needed it.

finn pulled into a gravel parking lot and turned off his small buggy. "follow me." he said, stepping out of the car.

poe smiled as he got out as well, gravel crunching under his feet. he came around the side of the car and walked next to finn as he started up the small grassy hill. poe took finn's hand as they reached the top of a hill.

finn stopped and held his other hand out, gesturing to the view in front of them. it was the dark los angeles skyline; the city glowed with late-night lights under the pitch black midnight sky. it was beautiful, and poe understood why finn wanted to take him here.

he sat down on the soft grass, dragging poe down with him. they sat together, legs and hands intertwined as they watched the city sparkle below them.

"this is beautiful," poe said, "i see why you wanted to take me here."

finn smiled, playing with poe's hand. "i drove past this spot on my way to moving into my apartment. i stopped and walked up this hill and decided right then and there that this is my place, this is my spot to relax and unwind."

poe smiled in utter admiration at the man next to him. he let go of finn's hand and slung it around his waist, bringing his closer to poe. "you're a good man, finn." he said, facing finn.

"you're pretty alright yourself." finn said, their faces inches apart.

"can i kiss you?" poe asked, whispering onto finn's lips.

"i suppose..." finn managed to get out as nervousness filled his chest and rose into his neck.

poe leaned forward, slowly closing the small gab between the two of them. poe's lips landed softly on finn's, a long yet shallow kiss. poe didn't want to rush anything onto the kid.

finn was exploding; overwhelming adoration, satisfaction, and lust filled finn's body instead of the nervousness he felt before. a blush rose in cheeks as poe slowly pulled away.

poe looked at finn and chuckled at his astonished face. he put his hands on the sides of finn's face and kissed him again, a peck on the lips as finn laughed with him.

"i love you." finn blurted out. he immediately covered his mouth with his hands as his face turned red-hot.

poe laughed, taking finn's hands into his own.

"i love you too."

\--------

poe smiled as upbeat music blared from finn's stereo and the bright los angeles sun shined on finn's skin. they drove down main street, searching for a place to eat.

"hey!" finn said, pointing to a small shop. "a nice italian place. i love italian."

"italian it is," poe said, agreeing with excitement. "anything for you."

\--------------

"hey." finn said, peering over the top of his menu.

"yea?"

"do you like road trips?" finn asked.

poe looked up from his menu, smiling. "ive only been on one before, and i must say it was fun. what's on your mind?"

finn shrugged. "i don't know. i mean, i still have two weeks of winter break left, and i wanted to go somewhere, even just for the day. i just love the long drive."

poe beamed, taking finn's hand under the table.

"i'd love to go on a road trip with you, finn. besides," he added. "it'll be fun to see how long it takes you until you want to punch me across the face."

"oh believe me," finn said sarcastically. "im already repressing the urge."

\------

 

"well?" finn asked as he rubbed his thumb across poe's. "does chicago sound like a good idea?"

poe furrowed his brows. "it's gonna be a lot of gas, and we might have to sleep on the way there," he paused, pointing to the large map they had set out on finn's kitchen table. "but i think we can make it work." poe said, lifting his head to look into finn's chocolate eyes. finn smiled.

poe beamed back, lifting finn's hand to kiss the back of it in admiration.

"i can't wait." finn said, blushing.

"neither can i."

\-------

poe couldn't remember many days he was happy as a child.

there was the occasional joke or movie that made him laugh, but his younger years all the way up to high school, his mood was always a low dull.

in junior high, he never expected things to get better. he never expected things to be okay, to be happy. yet, here he was, holding hands with the most attractive man in los angeles, wind tousling his hair as they sped down the I-95.

things could not be better.

poe smiled as finn sang along to blackbird by the beatles that blasted from the car radio.

"you were only waiting,  
for this moment,  
to arise," he sang, the sun shinning on his glowing skin.

"blackbird singing in the dead of night,  
take these broken wings and learn to fly,  
all your life,  
you were only waiting for this moment to arise."

poe beamed, reaching over to hold finn's hand and squeezing it lightly. finn lifted poe's hand and used it as a microphone.

"you were only waiting,  
for this moment,

to arise."

\------

finn grew up in sand.

finn grew up in sand and dead grass and dry heat.

chicago wasn't anything like dallas texas.

it was snowing, and it was finn's first time seeing snow, save for newspaper articles.

poe had taken over the wheel so finn could gaze freely at the tall buildings and concrete structures they passed. it was late, that had drove through the day and it was around nine pm. finn stuck his head out of the window and watched the hundreds of citizens and pedestrians they passed, each with their own life and their own story.

"you like the city?" poe yelled over the radio and the wind.

finn turned and smiled, turning the radio down. "it's beautiful!"

they pulled into traffic, navigating through the heavily packed streets. finn watched cars beep at each other, angry drivers in a hurry. finn loved the excitement.

this was exactly where he needed to be.

\------

this was exactly where poe needed to be.

finn was taking a shower, and poe was resting on the large motel bed. poe's late night dreams of holding finn in his arms would finally be true tonight, but that was the least of his excitement.

poe was going to ask finn to marry him.

poe had found a priest in san diego that would marry him and finn, as long as finn said yes. he knew he would.

just as poe was about to take the red velvet box out of his pocket, finn came out of the bathroom, wearing loose fitting boxers and a white tank. his toned body shone in the dimly lit hotel.

"you are beautiful." poe said as finn walked towards the bed where he sat. finn blushed, sitting down next to poe, their shoulders touching.

"so are you." finn said back, moving so poe could put his arm around his shoulder.

"nope," poe said back, shaking his head. "not as much as you are."

"shut up."

"i love you."

"...i love you too."

\------

"the navy pier?" finn asked, bewildered.

poe laughed. "yea, the navy pier!" he exclaimed, matching finn's tone and volume.

finn frowned, pouting. "we can't go to the navy pier! we came here for vacation, not to blow all our money at a casino! besides, it's freezing cold!" he said, pacing in the small hotel room.

"finn, you're thinking of the scummy parts!" poe exclaimed. he lead finn to the large window and threw open the shades, revealing a snowy and bright chicago. "what i'm talking about is the restaurants! cheap diners, fancy places that have food from every part of the world!" poe looked to his boyfriend, who stared out at the snow slowly falling.

finn looked at poe. "fine," he said, turning around and picking up his keys. he spun around and pointed at his chest. "but you're paying."

poe beamed. "i can live with that."

-

poe reached for finn's hand as they walked out of the hotel, but stopped himself before he could latch on. he had to remind himself of where he was and when he was. it was difficult for poe to live in solitude like this.

it was even more difficult for finn, being black and homosexual, poe thought as they stepped into the yellow taxi out of the thick snowfall. finn dealt with persecution every day for something he couldn't help.

finn walked into the small resturant on the snowy boardwalk and all eyes turned to him; caucasian eyes. poe hummed lowly, almost like a growl. he stepped in front of finn and continued into the resturant.

poe and finn reached the small podium where the waiter awaited the restaurant's customers. the thin man looked up from his magazine and seemed taken aback.

"im sorry, sir, but we don't accept... those kinds of people in this facility. you'll have to find some other place to dine."

poe narrowed his eyes at the kid standing in front of him. what kind of nerve did this kid have to tell him where finn could eat?

poe rolled up one of his sleeves, but finn grabbed onto his bicep before he could start trouble.

"poe, please, let's just go." finn pleaded at a whisper.

poe looked into finn's eyes, and then back at the man, who seemed fearful. poe huffed before turning to the door and leading finn out with a hand on his back.

they stood on the dock, watching the cold river rush past them as they slowly took drags from their cigarettes.

poe sighed. "im sorry, finn. this could have been such a pleasant night."

finn smiled sadly as he took the lit cigarette out of his mouth. "poe, a night with you will automatically be a good one."

poe looked back at finn with utmost admiration.

this was it.

"finn, i have to show you something." poe said as it started to snow. large, heavy flakes filled the empty space around the two.

finn flicked his cigarette butt into the river and watched poe out of the corner of his eye. "listen man, i don't know if im ready for that kinda thing..." he suggested, stifling a laugh.

poe smacked his shoulder. "you ass," he said, laughing. "that's not what i meant. this is a lot more expensive than what's in my pants." he said, reaching into his pocket for the velvet box.

finn turned to poe, leaning on the raining in front of him. "i don't know, poe, what's in there is pretty valu-" he cut himself off as poe faced the open box to finn, revealing the golden band inside.

finn stared at the box for a long time, and poe began to grow nervous. finn put his hand onto poe's wrist and looked up into his soft yet sad eyes.

"who will marry us?" finn asked, choked up.

"don't worry about that, we'll worry about that in los angeles. let me take care of everything else, baby." poe said, putting his hand on finn's red and frozen cheek. "but first, will you marry me?"

finn huffed an anxious laugh, tears filling his eyes. "yes, poe, yes, of course."

poe brought finn into a short hug. he pulled away and held him by his shoulders. "i love you, baby."

snow slowly fell onto finn, catching in his long eyelashes. "i love you too, poe."

\------

finn heaved the last suitcase into the small red buggy and closed the trunk with a slam. he hurried out of the snow and into the passenger seat, next to poe.

poe, his neighbor, his friend, the love of his life, and now, finally, his fiancé.

finn was so excited to get back home and start the life he had always dreamed of.

\------

everything was going exactly to plan; finn and poe were driving in warm weather again as they got closer and closer to los angeles, and they were in love.

poe couldn't imagine being with anyone else other than finn, and he considered himself happy, finally, for the first time in years. sure, hiding his marriage and his sexuality would be hard, but he'd been doing it for twenty years. he knew that he and finn were going to be perfectly fine.

poe smiled as he fidgeted with the radio, finn tapping along to every beat that came on. poe had finally found a good station when finn yelled,

"poe, look out!"

the truck in front of them collided with the small red car.

they spun out of control, flipping upside down. the last thing poe could see before slipping into unconscious was finn's bloody, beaten face.

\------

poe sat in the uncomfortable hospital waiting chair as finn was hooked to life support. the doctors said it was a priority to keep him alive before they diagnosed him with anything, so poe took his seat in the plastic chair and had been waiting there for about three hours.

poe was terrified, and didn't want to loose finn, but he was trying his best to make it look like they were just friends. just really, really good friends.

he scanned the waiting room, desperately looking for a distraction.

nothing.

he breathed in and out, his chest caving in as a doctor stepped out into the waiting room.

"dameron, poe?" he asked, looking around. poe shot out of his seat. the doctor gave him a look of pity and motioned him into the other room. poe wiped his sweaty palms on his pants and followed the doctor.

"please, take a seat." he said, and poe followed. the doctor sat in his large chair and looked at the clipboard in his hands. "you are the next of kin to finn, correct?" poe nodded.

the doctor took off his glasses. "mr. dameron, here at the san francisco hospital we try our hardest to make sure every life here comes alive and leaves alive." he said, folding his hands onto his desk. "but sometimes, we aren't that lucky."

por narrowed his eyes. "what're you trying to say?"

the doctor sighed. "we couldn't save him, mr.dameron."

\------

poe doesn't remember the last time he was happy.

he thinks it was during the winter of sixty four, but he has no god damn idea.

drunk and angry, he stumbled around his dirty apartment for his rusty car keys. he stepped out of the motel style room and glanced at the door to his right at the end of the hall and everything came back.

finn.

finn, his art, his jokes and his shitty one liners. his lips and his eyes and his hands and everything that made finn beautiful. his silver ring and his marital promise, left unfulfilled.

a tear came to poe's sunken and tired eyes, but he quickly wiped it away and stumbled to his car. darkness surrounded him as he drove down the empty los angeles roads.

he came to a grassy cliff, a site where their lips met for the first time. poe got out of his car and walked to the edge, looking down at the distance below his feet. he let his right foot dangle, getting a feel for the absence of the ground.

he stepped back and looked at the skyline. he sighed. he thought about if he would live if he jumped from a distance like this.

"i hope not." he said to himself, watching the small pieces of grass fall from the cliff's edge.

he sighed, letting one foot hover over the drop. "i miss you, finn. but hopefully, after this, i'll see you again." he said before taking a step forward into his own demise.

\-------

"did you know him at all?" the girl whispered to the man. she looked upon the brown casket i front of them, the dead man's photo on a stand.

"no," he whispered back. "we only talked a couple times at work. real nice guy. you know his friend died a couple years ago?"

the girl gasped. "that's so horrible. his friend's death, and now his own suicide. those poor men."

"it truly is awful. after the winter of sixty four, he became a drunk. didn't take long for him to get fired." he said. "i felt so bad for him. his friend died and that was it, alone forever."

the girl swirled her drink. "i have a feeling that they're together, now, you know?"

the man nodded.

"they're in peace with each other."

\-----  
FLASHBACK  
poe struggled to get the keys in his door fast enough, every action coming from his dick instead of his brain.

as soon as the door closed his lips met finn's in the dark apartment, intimacy radiating between them as poe slowly led the way to his bedroom, his lips never leaving finn's for a second.

finn took control, pushing poe softly onto the bed and hovering above him.

"you look so beautiful, finn." poe exclaimed from below him. finn blushed, leaning down and sucking on the side of poe's neck. poe gasped, squeezing finn's side as he left a mark on his lover's neck.

"poe," finn said, breathless. "i don't know how to really... y'know, do this." the worry was clear on his face.

poe smiled, rubbing finn's sides. "it's okay, love, we'll figure it out."

and shit, did they figure it out.

—

when poe woke up, he rolled over to find his bed empty, the sheets next to him still warm.

his chest screamed with panic, but he calmed himself down as he stood up out of bed and walked to the kitchen.

he wiped his eyes groggily, but when he opened them and stepped into the kitchen, he was surprised by what he saw.

there stood finn, in his infamous booty shorts and a tight grey t-shirt dragging a giant canvas across the kitchen floor.

"poe!" he yelped with surprise. "i didn't think you'd be up yet. i have something to show you." he said with a smile on his face.

"clearly..." poe said as finn turned the giant canvas around, showing what was painted on the other side.

it was a large close-up of poe, his absolute natural beauty enhanced by finn's superior painting skills. every detail was portrayed in a classy and outstanding style, as if poe was looking at a hyper realistic painting.

"finn..." he said, speechless. gorgeous reds and oranges surrounded his face, blues and purples reflecting off his tanned skin. "love, ive never seen anything so... so gorgeous in my entire life." poe managed to get out.

finn blushed. "i started this ever since the first time i saw you walk into your apartment. you captivated my eyes in an artistic and aesthetic value long before you would captivate me in such a romantic way." he said eloquently.

poe, overwhelmed with joy and passion, swept finn up into a hug, his fiancée's legs dangling off the ground.

"jesus, poe, put me down!" finn said, laughing.

poe set him down with their faces inches apart. "i love you, finn. i really do." he said, almost whispering.

"i love you too, poe." finn said back, leaning into poe's lips.

the comfort of his lover calmed poe down more than anything he could imagine. he felt truly at peace and like he was in a state of mindfulness and joy that he would never get out of.

he felt truly at home.

\--end--

**Author's Note:**

> hey, thanks for reading! this fic is almost two year old, so please excuse the horrible writing style i had back in january of 2017. this fic has 18K reads on wattpad where you can also read under the same title but my account name is xanthetics. thanks again!


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